What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 01:32
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
So whats the point in blame.
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Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
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He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
As i do to all so called friends.?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
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Why did i forgive my father ?
And i lived it daily.
It was going to be , some day.
Why do some people have loving parents and some do not?
Was to survive, this bastard.
I have no regrets .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
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I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Are you able to lie, even though you have Aspergers?
I was seconnd youngest,
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
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My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Do snipers lay on top of tank turrets during combat?
I will be 64.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
And who doesn’t know suffering?
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I said to her
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
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She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
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I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
She loved him until the end.
Has anyone ever really waited that long and gotten a paper check mailed 20 days ago?
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
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My life is so biszare .
She wouldn,t have been !
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
The only rule us 5 kids had .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
All the time i was locked up.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
But it wasn’t much.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
What did i know ?
I couldn’t, believe it.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Im still living with it.
Ive learnt so much.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But ive been too sick for many years..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I write beautiful poetry .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Comes on , in middle age.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
This is soul school!.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
We were not on the streets..
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
One cannot live in the past .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I think the readers, may guess!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She found it foreign!.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I waited trembling.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Especially a lifetime of it.
I was 9 years of age.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Who then, do I blame.?
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I don,t even have a pension.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
When she asked me how she looked .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
But, we were locked up after school.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Put me off passion for life!!
She was in good health!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
So, i spoilt her more .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I could never make a relationship work though!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
(And it was in our own minds.)
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
We all went to grammer schools
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Would this be the day?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
She married twice! .
I was scared of men, in general
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
My family never makes their pension either.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He knew the spot.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I was very sick at this time too.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I never cut or harmed myself..